Is Arguing Good for a Relationship? Let's Talk Real!

1. Why Is It Okay to Argue in a Relationship?
2. How to Cope with a Fit of Anger When You Are Arguing?
3. Closing Words

Of course, when you are thinking about a romantic relationship, you tend to create that perfect picture in your head. You think that all of your dates would go smoothly. You think that your sex is going to be perfect. You think that you are going to have perfectly planned weekends. And you think that you are never going to argue with your partner. Basically, you blindly believe that nothing bad is going to happen to your romantic relationship.

While that kind of thinking is way better than picturing your breakup even before your romance has started, you are nonetheless entering the danger zone. You would rarely find a couple where partners don't have an argument. People are constantly arguing about different issues that may occur in your romantic relationship. So, picturing something perfect is not bad, but it is quite unrealistic, and if you want your relationship to last, you need to be as much realistic as you can be.

“But wait a minute”, you would probably say, “why do couples argue so much?” It's quite a logical question, and that's why you need to read this article. Before you start picturing your possible relationship as a battlefield, we offer you to have a little glimpse at why do couples argue. And in order to do so, we offer you to check out our top five reasons why couples are arguing that much.

1. Sex

You would be surprised, but sex is the most common reason for arguing. As we've assumed, you are thinking that you and your partner are going to have perfect sex simply because it is you and your partner. Now, let us tell you why your sexcapades may not go that smoothly. While you are in between the sheets, it can turn out that your partner wants more, while you want less, and vice versa. While you or your partner may remain silent for a while, sooner or later, this topic would be brought up for the discussion, and then beware...

2. Dates

Either you or your partner naively think that you enjoy everything on your dates. So, naturally, you would be surprised or even disturbed when your partner would start telling you that he or she doesn't want to go to that cafe where you dined regularly. Moreover, you will get annoyed when hearing that your partner had never enjoyed going there but remained silent to avoid upsetting you. Then you are going to argue that your partner should have told you that, while he or she would say that you could have figured out his/her attitude to that cafe.

3. Cleanliness

You and your partner are most likely to have a different understanding of what is clean. What is clean enough for you is never clean enough for your partner. While one will remain silent for a while, quietly cleaning after his or her partner, soon they may start arguing calling one another a “dirty pig” and “paranoid maniacally obsessed with cleanliness”.

4. Weekends

You like traveling to the countryside on weekends, while your partner enjoys staying at home? You can put up with it for a while, but soon you are going to start arguing because “why instead of having rest on my weekend I have to drag my ass to the middle of nowhere?!” or “you are so boring, how can you lay all day watching those stupid TV-shows?”.

5. False Memory Syndrome

Our perception of the past is based not on the actual event, but rather how we remember them. And, believe it or not, two different people remember one event in two different ways. And when you try to figure out what went wrong when you disagreed last time, you are going to have an argument, as both parties use imagination as a helping tool while reconstructing the past.

After reading everything mentioned above, you might feel devastated. You might be asking yourself “why couples argue over such small things?”. But there is no need to phone your shrink for relationship advice for couples who argue, and in the next part of the article, we are going to explain you why.

Why Is It Okay to Argue in a Relationship?

There is no need to spend your money on a shrink, as he is most likely to tell you that it is absolutely normal to argue in a relationship. Moreover, it is even healthy to argue in a relationship. Wait, what? Isn't it a sign... Stop, just check out our top seven reasons why arguing is good for your relations.

1. Arguing Strengthens Your Relationship

A constructive arguing, without boundaries or rules, allows you expressing yourself. While midway through arguing, you forget about being polite, and you forget about what your partner may think of you. Same goes for your partner. Thus, nothing distracts you from expressing your point of view on or your dissatisfaction with something. Basically, your arguing works like a storm, and every storm ends with a clear sky. After your arguing, you are most likely to get a clearer understanding of each other. Your understanding strengthens your relationship and enhances trust between the partners. That's how to argue effectively in a relationship.

2. Arguing Makes You Feel Better

You really think that keeping silent all the time helps? We are going to disappoint you, as trying to subdue your emotions for your partner's benefit breeds nothing but hate. Now, think, arguing has nothing to do with hate. Arguing is about revealing emotions and different points of view. We all would prefer to talk calmly as decent people do, but the calm way is not always the best variant. Sometimes you need to hit high notes for your partner to understand how much you are not okay with something. As soon as you let it all out, you will feel better.

3. Arguing Lets Your Partner Know Your Thoughts

As we've said before, sometimes you need to hit the high notes to let your partner understand you. You need to be realistic, as your partner will not miraculously learn your thoughts. Well, unless he has a gift of telepathy. We are not saying that you never tried to talk something over with your partner. Probably you did, and he didn't hear you. And that's the exact reason why you are arguing. So, shout and scream, but be objective. Give him your constructive point of view. Sometimes, it really takes two people to argue to truly understand each other's point of view. But the main thing is the outcome. Although you may have to whisper for the rest of the week, isn't it great that your partner finally got your point?

4. Arguing Increases Intimacy

Arguing lets you know what your partner likes and what he doesn't. Arguing helps you understand what is important to him, as well as what he can't stand in your relationship. Thus you get to understand your partner better. You should know how to argue in a relationship when it helps discovering those aspects of your partner. Fighting helps understand yourself and your partner better. Besides, most of the fights lead to hot make-up sex that cements your intimacy. As you can see, arguing is not a that bad thing that should be avoided at any cost.

5. Arguing Helps You Understand That Your Partner is a Separate Individual

While it seems to be the most logical thing that most of us realize, when we are in a relationship, we often start thinking about our partner as a part of ourselves. Arguing makes you come to realize that your partner is actually a separate individual and that most of the things he does and most of the rules he follows are imposed by you. Without realizing this, you are more inclined to believe that your partner must know your moods, your needs, and desires. You know them, so must he. As a result, you get truly shocked when learning that your partner disagrees with your opinion or is upset by your behavior. And after having a fight, you come to realize that your partner is a separate person. Thus you start understanding each other better.

6. Arguing Improves Your Character

You want to know how to argue less in a relationship, thus you try to improve yourself. After the fight, we gain more patience. You focus on your partner's needs and desires. You try being more attentive to your partner and devote him as much time as you can. Arguing helps to shape your character for your partner, thus making your relationship even stronger. Although you may try to backfire at first, sooner or later, when you come to realize whether your partner is that valuable for you or not, you start shaping your character in accordance with his needs and desires. Mind that you should do it only if the character improvement is a mutual process.

7. Nobody's Perfect

You know that no one is perfect, and arguing only proves it. Probably, if we were robots that work according to certain programs, we won't have to argue, but fortunately or not, we are humans. At the same time, arguing forces us to improve ourselves and to be perfect, at least for our partners. Arguing is also helpful in figuring out the unresolved issues in our psyche. Sometimes you really need to have a fight in order to solve problems that have been haunting you for years. That's the whole point of arguing in a relationship.

How to Cope with a Fit of Anger When You Are Arguing?

Are you a nervous person? Do you cry during a conflict or run out of a room, slamming the door? Any person brings their own habits and preferences into relationships, which the partner may not always like. And it is “cured” only by trust, compromise, and communication. And, of course, you can argue because disagreements and contradictions between people are not so rare. However, try to draw the right conclusions from your arguing to avoid actions and words that cause your anger and affect your relationship. How to suppress a fit of anger in yourself and not let yourself throw a tantrum that is already much more difficult to control?

• Realize that this feeling of anger is becoming bigger.
• Allow yourself to feel it quite consciously.
• Feel it with your body, that is, on the physical level, and begin to confront it.
• Think about the cause of anger.
• What else happened to you that day?
• Do not let anger build up.
• Write down your feelings on paper, trying to release all your inner irritation.
• Find out what you need to calm down.
• Restore inner calmness and control it.
• Now you can start a conversation with a partner.
• Act and speak without wanting to hurt, offend or insult them.
• Use the opening phrase, “I feel” (“I have a feeling”) when voicing your point of view.
• Listen to the other person.
• Find out how you two can act otherwise in the future.
• Find a solution together.

Closing Words

Considering everything mentioned above, it is easy to come up with a conclusion that fighting is good for a relationship. But there is one issue that you may want to talk about with your shrink. That question is “How often should you argue in a relationship?”. You may think that if arguing is good for your romantic life then you should argue as often as possible. But it is not healthy to argue in a relationship every day. If you have a fight every day, then you should definitely visit a shrink, as that is a clear sign that something is wrong with your couple.