Content:
- Controlling behavior in a relationship and its effects
- Signs of a controlling girlfriend
- How to deal with controlling people
It’s nice to be in a relationship and feel that your loved one supports you in life, not trying to subordinate your control. You are who you are. And this feeling only increases when there is a person who loves you. But, unfortunately, many couples often face problems in their relationships. One of the most unfavorable situations is to be with someone who is trying to control your life. So, how to stop being controlling?
Controlling behavior in a relationship and its effects
What do most people in a relationship do? They scoff at close people under the pretext that they love them. And there are a lot of examples of this. For example, some include some control in a relationship. They follow the actions of a partner, try to direct, lead, covering themselves with their immense concern for a person. However, in fact, when you are controlled, there is some uncomfortable feeling inside. As if you have a problem with the brain – you are stupid and unable to answer for your own life, make your own decisions. Trying to control, people climb into your life. Asking the question: “What are you doing?”, you get the answer: “I care about you!”
However, care and control are actually diametrically opposed things. Control is about worrying about oneself. And care is when a person really cares what happens to a loved one. We ourselves should clearly share control and care. Let’s not substitute concepts. Are love and control interdependent? No! For love, such characteristics as openness to a partner, mutual interest both in one’s own free will and partner’s independence are inherent, as well as an inverse emotional connection. In a controlling relationship, there are many excesses associated with these properties, which cause various fears, unreasonable jealousy and suspiciousness, deceit and hypocrisy, illusion and detachment from the real order of things. Especially it concerns feelings of the partner’s emotions.
Instead of directly asking what a partner feels, there appears the guesswork and speculation, a meticulous analysis of intonation, diction and facial expressions, body movements, and so on. As a rule, people are looking for hidden aggression and negative. As a result, for both partners, this results in the transfer of other people’s emotions to the fore, ignoring their personal feelings. What to do? A special treatment in these situations is necessary for both partners – someone should work out their own childhood traumas and someone should be freed from dependence.
Signs of a controlling girlfriend
Below we will give 10 distinctive signs that your girlfriend has a control over you. Unfortunately, periodically it is worth re-reading them to understand how serious the situation is. Your girl loves you but this does not justify such behavior. One question that should constantly be asked: does your girl love you and try to control you? Then, it is likely that you will understand the situation and find a way out.
1. You don’t feel independent
This is one of the obvious signs of a controlling relationship. You are in a subordinate relationship, you are controlled and you are not free to do anything more at your own discretion. Your personality has come under control, at least to some extent. In addition, you no longer feel that you are in an environment where you are supported. After all, now she controls everything, deciding whether you want it or not. And now you don’t know where the way out of this situation. However, remember that no one deserves such an attitude and this harmful situation should be abandoned.
2. She forces you to answer immediately
Does she know that life sometimes throws up various worries? Because of this, you can’t always immediately answer a phone call. Of course, at times, it can be unpleasant but it’s not a catastrophe.
If you notice that you are nervous every time your girl is offended by a phone not picked up right away, especially when there is a valid reason, you should start to realize – this is one of the ways to control. You must receive text messages and respond to them when you want to talk, and not because you know that if you don’t do this, you’ll get into trouble.
3. She takes all your free time
You have the right to personal time and no relationship has the right to completely take it away from you. This is one of the signs of a controlling girlfriend. The best relationships are not at all those in which you spend any free minute exclusively with your partner, but those in which there is time for personal development and leisure, and joint. And it’s very bad when your girl is offended and angry whenever you say that you need to spend a little time on yourself. And worse, if in such cases, she begins to suspect you of deception. This may mean that she has a controlling personality disorder.
4. She isolates you from your family and friends
When we imagine a person who wants to control us, we usually imagine an administrator managing us and setting a conditional “route”. For example, a girl may convince you that your friends and relatives no longer matter. Of course, they do! You are just next to someone who wants to control you and the important point here is to convince you that only she can be important or even that she is the only support in everything. After all, you can’t leave a relationship if there are no more close people around you. We can only hope that friends and relatives see and understand that you are under control and will gladly take you into their arms as soon as you decide to leave this bad relationship.
5. She reduces your self-esteem
One of the most vivid and most dangerous manifestations of control is an attempt to lower self-esteem and she can do this in many ways. For example, she can respond negligently or even negatively about those things that interest you. Or she can make you feel very guilty just because you made a small mistake. Some girls have very high expectations of relationships and can make a man feel unworthy. As a result, your self-esteem is subverted and you get stuck in the fetters of control over you. Be sure to stop a relationship before you reach this stage.
6. She doesn’t want to compromise
After all, you can control how you spend time together. You are equal. She is not a princess. The more control she gets over you, the more she will become aware of herself as the head of the situation. And the more decisions she will make, determining what is better for a relationship.
7. She always wants details
Nobody likes to feel at the interrogation. But what if the role of the investigator is sometimes played by a person who is dear to your heart? For example, you went to the movie with a friend. It’s great. But this is not very cool to come back home and run into a long conversation, which will explain how much you love and that you spend time with your friend, not with some other girl. The less a loved one trusts you, the more attention she will pay to the analysis of the most diverse small details. This is especially terrible.
8. She thinks you cheat on her
Now, let’s make it clear. If you really cheat on your girlfriend, then what the hell? Of course, you should break up! It’s stupid to continue a relationship, which, in your opinion, has no future. We think you are well aware of what conclusions your girl will make if she finds out what is really going on. If you are a reliable and sincere partner, then such questions shouldn’t become something regular. But if you are under control, all little mistakes may look like a proof of deception for her. Unfortunately, when a partner regularly hints at deception, this can be her own projection and, in the end, she can turn out to be the one who deceives.
9. She hates your hobbies
You probably have hobbies that you really like. A girl, who tries to control you, may hate your hobbies and do everything to make you not enjoy them. After all, at such times, you are busy with something on your own. And this hinders her to control you. But you don’t want to interrupt relations and one day you realize that all of your hobbies have been completely ignored.
10. She is dependent on your
This is one of the most important signs of a controlling woman. It is worth watching how your girlfriend treats your phone, for example, she always asks who writes you a message. If she literally “sleeps” with your smartphone rereading emails and messages, then the degree of control becomes excessive. You have the right to personal space, as well as the right to such relationships, in which she trusts you. The more attention she pays to your social life, the less freedom you can feel, and it’s a pretty quick way to understand that it is trying to control other aspects of your life.
11. She makes a big deal out of all your choices which were made without her
The key aspect of a controlling relationship is that one of the partners is always responsible for everything that is happening. A controlling girl knows “what is best for you” in any area of your life. This tendency manifests itself in the girl’s relation to you as to a child who needs a guidance of an adult. If you dare to make some choice by yourself, the controlling girlfriend tries to suppress your choice and treats you as a person unable to make informed decisions.
12. She blames you for constant monitoring her actions
The classic behavior that comes to mind when considering controlling relationships is jealousy and possessiveness. However, a controlling girlfriend can make you monitor her actions. And if you do this, why can't she act the same way? Why do not you tell her everything about where and with whom you are going to spend time? Do you have something to hide? This is a classic method of manipulation in a controlling relationship. Thus, your girlfriend acts from the perspective of constant distrust even if she hides it behind the convictions like: “I just want to make sure that you are fine!”
How to deal with controlling people
If you don’t know how to cope with such people, use these tips:
1. You must clearly understand that you have certain rights
You must understand how and when these rights are violated. If you want to be free from manipulation, they must become the original boundaries that protect you. Controlling people act this way: they try to deprive their victims of all rights to take control of the situation in their own hands. So don’t forget who is in charge of your life.
2. Avoid excessive openness and self-criticism
The main goal of a controlling person is to find your weaknesses. If you yourself tell all about them, then it will be easy to get into the trap. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, feel guilty, think about the following questions:
- How much does this person respect you?
- Are his/her demands logical?
- Are your relations two-sided?
- How comfortable are you in this relationship?
Your honest answers to these questions will help understand whether this person likes to control or just you don’t have good relationships for some other reason.
3. Become a “mirror”
If a person has a controlling manipulative personality, he or she will require you to do something. When you hear unreasonable demands or reproaches, tell a person what exactly you don’t agree with. Asking such questions, you put a controller in front of the mirror, allowing him/her to see the true nature of his/her actions. There is a chance that the one who is trying to control you will retreat. However, sometimes there are real professionals who will never retreat.
4. Take a pause
The main trick of a controlling personality is to get an answer from you immediately, then to press on the feeling of guilt or appeal to responsibility. A simple phrase will help take the control over the situation: “I need to think about this.” Thus, you give yourself time to weigh all the pros and cons.
5. Know how to say “no”
Always remember that you can and have the right to refuse. Correctly formulated “no” allows you to insist on your own while maintaining a good relationship. Learn to refuse without experiencing a sense of guilt because you can’t help everyone.
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