05.11.2018

How long should you date before moving in together?

Periodically, people ask themselves the question: “How long should you meet before the wedding or a civil marriage?” There are hundreds of stories that allowed us to formulate an opinion on this account. This will not be a recipe for family happiness, but it may save you from some illusions.

Moving in together too soon. Often, it turns out that such conversations in a couple periodically arose but always came to naught. A protracted relationship of 5 years or more, when a man “gives up” and agrees to move in together under the pressure of a woman, is more likely doomed to collapse.

tips for couples moving in together

First, people get to know each other, look narrowly, communicate, meet, pass the so-called “flower-candy period”. Then people enter into an intimate relationship, thus becoming closer. Then they introduce their partner to their inner circle, becoming a couple in the eyes of those around them. They can meet periodically at this time, or decide to start living together. It all depends on the situation and moral principles. Their status at this time is a couple. Usually, no one gives an oath of loyalty at this time, hoping that this option is the default. And having been in the status of a couple for some time, people decide that they are ready to tie their lives, they are ready to make the final choice and start a family, and then have children.

The optimal time to know the partner, to recognize him/her in various life situations is about two years. This is not a hard and fast rule. Perhaps you are an extremely insightful person who has learned to understand people, therefore you can learn about a person in less time. All power to your elbow! In the first year, there is a big risk of being mistaken, because “hormones”, feeling of love ”, passion and your projections have a strong and even excessive effect on the adequate perception of a partner. The relationship of lovers can continue indefinitely, as long as it suits both, while both voluntarily use each other. Whether to continue to remain in the status of a couple, cohabiting and being lovers while leading a kind of joint life – it’s up to you to decide! If you changed your mind, it's time to end this relationship!

Questions to ask before moving in together

People are in a hurry to tie their lives, often almost without knowing a partner, and then they clear up just about the rest of their lives.

Of course, the hormonal intoxication of love will overshadow our eyes, and we don’t want to go to our loved one with boring questions. We are afraid to seem too persistent or demanding, or to show our intentions seriously ahead of time, or to kill the romance. What if these questions seem out of place to him, and he will run away altogether? But (at least if you have already agreed on the seriousness of your intentions) these questions really help to see each other in a new light. And most importantly, they can be the beginning of a serious dialogue. The skill to sit down at the negotiating table and seek a compromise will definitely be needed more than once in your long and happy life together.

Before moving in with your significant other it is important to describe the areas that are important ideologically for each of you. So you will reduce the risk to stumble upon some not at all inspiring surprises and discoveries about each other:

  • What is their relationship with parents? If your sweetheart does not communicate with them at all, then why?
  • If they have brothers and sisters, how do they relate to each other and how do they communicate now?
  • How do they think themselves: are they rather savers or spenders?
  • If you have children, how will you share your responsibilities?
  • Do they think it is right to give unsolicited advice if they are sure they are right?
  • How do they deal with conflicts? Do they consider themselves to be people avoiding conflict, or, on the contrary, they consider themselves not very balanced?
  • What is the best way to help them if they have stress or are upset?
  • How do they imagine the proper distribution of chores at home?
  • How would they describe the relationship of their parents? What do they like about this relationship and what not?
  • What do they think about the friendship between a man and a woman?
  • Do they have a life purpose? And if so, which one?
  • What exactly are they so pleased with in you that they are ready to live life with you?what to discuss before moving in together
  • Is there anything in you that is worrying your partner and may be a problem in the future?
  • Are there topics whose discussion is definitely a taboo for your soul mate? If so, which ones?
  • If they had a serious relationship, do they communicate with that person now? And how?
  • Is religion important?
  • If you have children, will you give them religious education? And what?
  • What is the optimal model for managing the family budget? Who is responsible for what, how to distribute personal finances (including liabilities, loans, debts, savings) of each spouse and general family?
  • If sooner or later one of your parents needs constant care, how do they think it is right to solve this issue?
  • Do they consider sex an important component of a happy life?
  • Are they ready to seek professional help if there is a crisis in your relationship that you cannot overcome on your own?
  • What do they think of pornography?
  • What ways of expressing love do they like best?
  • Is there something in their picture of the world that will destroy a relationship unequivocally and irrevocably? What exactly?
  • How do they imagine your life and your family in 2030?

Things to talk about before moving in together

There are 5 fundamental things that it makes sense to discuss deeply and sincerely before moving in together:

Money

It makes sense to discuss how the finances will be managed in cohabitation, and not current, but in general. What will happen if one of the partners cannot earn? Or vice versa will get rich. Who will own the apartment, will they have common accounts? How will they manage spending? Alignment should suit both. The most harmonious solution is joint finance. But other solutions are also possible.

Fidelity

It is important to say in advance what the expectations of both partners are in this area. Is loyalty an important value for both? And it is important to discuss in advance that cheating is expected in the relationship, if it suits the other side, that's fine (such a union is extremely unstable), but if it suits both, then go for it!

Alcohol

Alcohol or any other serious addiction (drugs, casinos, computer games, etc.). For example, the beloved drinks almost every day (within the “norm” - a bottle of beer or a couple of glasses of wine). Does this suit a woman? Does she understand that this will be last all the life long? You cannot expect that a man will drink less after many years of common life.

Tips for couples moving in together

Moving in with your partner is a serious step. It is so serious that sometimes its scale distracts from small but at the same time important details of living together. There are at least five mistakes that you should not make when you start living together.

1. Do not delay with the organization of personal belongings until the last moment

It is necessary to deal with all the belongings even before moving to a shared apartment, where, perhaps, not enough space for everything. Tidy up and decide which things are really necessary. Leave space for new things that you will gain with the love of your life.

Divide things into four categories:

  • To save
  • To sell
  • To give
  • To throw out

moving in with your girlfriendKeep the clothes you wore over the past year and the necessary elements of the wardrobe that you do not plan to buy in the near future. Sell something that has value, but for you it became superfluous. Give clothes and shoes that you have not been wearing for a long time, books and everything that is not necessary. All the rest is strongly attributed to the trash. Do not forget to learn the opinion of a loved one before getting rid of something.

2. Do not turn a blind eye to the disadvantages

These may be minor and very serious problems. Snoring is an obvious vice. But the abuse of drugs can go unnoticed until such time as you find yourself in the same territory. The point is how well you know each other. In some cases, a few conversations are enough to answer questions such as:

  • Can you take a shower together or prefer to retire while taking care of yourself?
  • How will your work schedules overlap?
  • Who will be responsible for the bills?
  • Assess what weaknesses your beloved has. Are you ready to work on these matters?

It also happens when your partner already has a child. Then you must decide if you are ready to become a part of his life. Or maybe it's about your weak points. In this case, do not take a defensive position. Try to look at yourself from the other side and decide which concessions and changes in yourself you are ready to make. But do not expect that in the new place everything will resolve by itself.

3. Do not expect that finances will not have to deal with

The money issue is one of the main sources of tension and disputes in every home. Yours will not be an exception. Although legally you don’t have to give money to your partner, it’s better to share information about your income with each other in order to plan your expenses better. The same goes for debts. If your sweetheart is a spender, set up an automatic transfer to your account for at least some part of the sum that will go to pay for housing, credit repayment, or future joint purchases.

4. Do not entrust all household work to just one person

This mistake is made by many couples. Before you get together, discuss equality in the field of a household.

  • Who takes out the rubbish?
  • Who washes the dishes? Often it is the one who does not cook. But, perhaps, it is easier for someone to take over the kitchen completely, and for another - the bathroom and toilet.
  • Who repairs the cabinet when it starts to creak?

All these tasks have nothing to do with what sex you are or who makes more money. It is better if it is done by someone who is less difficult. As a last resort, if none of you want to do the cleaning, you can order cleaning services putting this item of expenditure in the general budget, and never swearing because of the dust.

Avoid unhealthy dependence on each other. Your things do not belong to your loved one, and their things are not your property. When making decisions, you are not always obliged to take into account the interests of the partner. You can try to make something more out of this relationship, but you can always break it if it doesn't suit you. That's the point of your life together, isn't it?

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