27.04.2018

Before speaking of red flags in a relationship, let us make a little explanation of what love is.

The beginning of any relationship is something beautiful. In the human body, a whole galaxy of chemical processes is launched, which literally changes us. This condition is akin to the action of a powerful drug. We lose our heads, the ability to think soberly and evaluate actions - our own or a new partner’s. You can endlessly poeticize this state, associate it with the touch of the divine hand, the birth of something sacral that is extremely incomprehensible to us, mere mortals. And you can remove rose-colored glasses from your misty eyes, look around and try to analyze the situation soberly. If you agree with the last statement, then you have never fallen in love.

early relationship red flags

If there is real chemistry between you and your partner, there cannot be any analytical thinking about it. It evaporates, without a trace and for a long time. Even if a week ago you amazed your friends with skepticism, indifference, rationality, and aversion to all manifestations of sentimentality, today you are a completely different person. You are a loving puppy who can only joyfully bark, play with sparrows and grumble when scratched behind the ear. Oh, yes, there is still a trail of pink saliva behind you.

However, the irony is in one simple fact: every chemical process has a beginning and an end. Including the chemical process, better known as the "state of falling in love." Oxytocin - this is the name of the culprit in your temporary romantic dementia. This chemical compound causes a feeling of addiction to another person. And if you think that this is not the worst enemy and you can easily overcome it, remember the fact that it is oxytocin that causes the connection between the mother and her child. The power of maternal love is known to everyone who lives in this world for at least a few years.

However, all this chemistry is absolutely justified from an evolutionary point of view. A person needs to leave offspring after oneself. So a person needs a partner to make it happen. The body helps us assure that this is exactly the "same person", starting to actively produce love hormones. But what happens if you make a mistake? What happens when the action of hormones ends, and you find yourself in a relationship with a rude man who has spoiled you into his trap for the sole purpose of asserting himself at the expense of your personality? Sometimes it ends quickly and almost painlessly if you are able to recognize such relationships and stop them. And sometimes it ends in tragedy.

If it seems to you that you were the victim of such a relationship, carefully read this article. The ability to control relationship red flags is vital.

What are Red Flags in a Relationship?

To understand what red flags of an abusive relationship are, it's better to show an easily recognizable example to everyone. The main thing in any relationship, of course, is love. But the love is a very fragile thing and if it is not backed up by serious supports, it easily disappears in an unknown direction. And then you sit and think, where did it go? Here, the law of conservation of energy works, when it turns into something very bad - hatred, anger, suffering ... So if we want to avoid these problems and save our feelings, we must, of course, talk. And when you try to talk, you hear "Do not f..k with my brain" - besides devaluation, this man does not respect you a bit and will never do it. This is a very bright example of a red flag.

And here is another example for men: you always dreamed of becoming a researcher, a cook, an athlete, a jazz musician, a DJ or a writer. When you started a new relationship, you seem to have forgotten about it. She was the only important thing for you. Everything else seemed like a minor thing.

red flags of unhealthy relationships And so, you quickly began to live together in a rented apartment. Renting an apartment is a very costly expense item. You had to forget about your dreams and go to work where money is steadily paid. However, after a while, you realized that you cannot stupidly work hard doing hateful job. You want to have the job of your life. You want to realize your dream. And when you talk about it with your girlfriend, she just scornfully scoffs and shows you a photo on Instagram where her best friend and her boyfriend are going to buy a new dishwasher with which you can have oral sex and other pleasant things. You see her indifference and even mockery. But you cannot do anything - you are a couple and it seems you love each other. So, this is another example of a red flag in a relationship.

Just listen to your intuition and you’ll be able to see red flags of an abusive relationship clearly!

Controlling Relationship Red Flags

After you learn how to identify red flags in a relationship, you need to learn how to control them. The best strategy for achieving the goal is a constant reminder that you are a full-fledged person and you have your own interests. You should not behave as if you are guilty of something. Your desire to be heard is not a crime, but quite a natural thing.

Every time when you realize that the partner behaves selfishly, start a conversation on this topic. Be calm and argue your point of view. Avoid scandals - screaming, tears and tantrums do not help strengthen relations at all. Choose the right time to start talking about your problems. It is best for this conversation to take place in a respectable atmosphere for both of you. The initial stage of building new relationships without insults and ignoring the partner is the most difficult thing that you have to do. You need to get another person to see and hear you. If you cannot do it, most likely, your partner has problems with empathy. The sad truth is that you hardly can fix it. Sometimes painful, toxic relationships should be simply stopped.

Knowing the basic red flags in the relationship will help you in their control. Do not think that your situation is 100% unique. All couples go almost the same way.

Remember that the slightest feeling of being hurt or depressed is a sufficient reason for specific actions. Do not suppress even the slightest discomfort. If you ask yourself: “what are some red flags in a relationship,” it means that you already have a problem. Talk about your problems as honestly and frankly as possible. Do not forget to listen to what your partner is telling you. Control over red flags of an abusive relationship should not turn into a monologue of an offended person, this will not lead to anything good.

Follow this relationship red flags list to control them in future:

The partner controls all your actions

This red flag is most common among other red flags of unhealthy relationships. Your companion is literally possessed by the desire to subjugate your entire life. He certainly needs to know where and with whom you are, what you eat and what you are wearing now. Even if you meet with pregnant friends, you will certainly be called and asked to come home earlier. Sometimes such control can be taken for care, but in fact, your partner felt himself the master of your life. People who are in a healthy and harmonious relationship understand that having a life and hobbies outside relationships is normal and even beneficial for the couple.

He or she constantly wants to change and improve you

Do not forget those mature and strong relationships are based on the acceptance of the partner as he or she is. In an unhealthy relationship, you are compared to others, while they openly talk or politely hint that it would be nice for you to change something in yourself to become better.

You are always guilty of all mortal sins

In unhealthy relationships, the partner does not see the cause of problems and failures in his actions and is always inclined to put the blame on others, especially you. You are guilty of everything, including his mistakes and things that do not depend on you. Your only task is to keep calm and not to enrage your partner, preventing his frequent outbursts of anger.

You feel like he or she has sucked all the energy out of you

Relationships affect our health and well-being. If you started to sleep less, lost weight or gained weight, and constantly feel like a squeezed lemon, perhaps your partner is an energy vampire.

Such people live at the expense of the energy of other people and rejoice every time they take away the power of others. In such relationships, you physically do not have enough resources, strength, and desire to do something. Apathy covers you, and your own insolvency and depression come to the forefront. Red flags in a relationship for guys do not differ much from red flags for women, so take them into account despite your gender.

Financial Red Flags in a Relationship

Healthy relationships do not start with money, but a financial issue sooner or later arises, as this is an important part of our life. Suddenly it turns out that you have much less in common than it seemed. While you are dreaming of buying an apartment, he is looking for a Mercedes of his dreams and ideas for business on the Internet.

If both of you are ready to openly talk and understand the cause of the disagreements, then do not let the finances become a cause of serious conflict. Here are 3 major red flags in a relationship that couples encounter, and ways to solve them.

relationship red flags and deal breakersSpender vs Saver

One of the most common sources of money conflicts in pairs is associated with a mismatch of values. One needs more financial security, seeks to save some money just in case. The other one does not care about any cases, he does not exclude that at any moment his existence can be terminated by a road accident and wants to live in the present moment. If we look at the situation objectively, both of these points of view are important for a rational but not too restrictive budget planning. However, couples are stuck in the same conflicts because they believe that their partner is mistaken. In fact, it's just a question of values, no approach is better than another, they are just different.

The dominant partner must bear more financial obligations

When it comes to finance, many girls prefer to forget about gender equality. In the "ideal" family, all bills are paid by the man by default. Women who earn more than a partner sometimes feel difficulties to maintain a normal relationship. Relationship expert Benjamin Ritter advises you to tell your partner about your values in financial matters in advance. This is the best option to avoid relationship red flags and deal breakers in future.

The struggle for power, when one of you earns significantly more

The truth is that as financial relations develop, financial dominance can turn into a full-scale dictatorship. The belief that the one who pays holds a decisive vote seems quite logical. But gradually such a partner claims the right to greater influence in other areas of relations.

This is one of the reasons why it is so important to maintain an open dialogue about long-term goals in your relationship. Make sure that you both make financial decisions that are consistent with your overall interests.

Red Flags in a New Relationship

The first stage of acquaintance with a new potential partner can be exciting, invigorating and amazing, but it can also be dangerous if you are not careful. When you see too many of these early relationship red flags, perhaps you should start looking for love elsewhere.

Your partner is rude to waiters, drivers, porters, and bartenders. If you meet for dinner and your new friend is rude to the waiter for no reason, this is a good indicator of how he treats people in general. Maybe at an early stage of the relationship, he always smiles at you, but that's only because he is still trying to impress you.

They try to cross the boundaries you set. Even if you want to find love, this does not mean that you have to do what you do not want for the sake of a new partner. Most often, an attempt to cross the boundaries you have established can be seen in relation to sex (when a partner tries to convince you to do something that you are not yet ready for or are not interested in), but this can also occur in other situations.

They talk too early about a serious relationship. Everyone prefers his own comfortable pace when it comes to developing relationships. But if a new friend talks about his love for you on a second date, this probably indicates his unreliability or lack of emotional intelligence.

They act irresponsibly. If the partner cannot perform the basic duties that appear in the adult life, or, worse, completely runs away from them, you must reconsider your relationship with him.

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